Questions to ask yourself about your kids, before you forget
You don’t remember your kids in dates. You remember them in stories: the thing she said in the car, the night he couldn’t sleep before the first day of school. A good question is the quickest way back to one of those stories, and it asks far less of you than a blank page does.
Why a question works better than a blank page
At the end of a long day, “write about your kids” is too big. There’s no obvious place to start, so most nights you don’t. A question narrows it to one moment. “What made them laugh this week?” has an answer, and the answer usually has a story attached. The question does the remembering. You only have to tell it.
The questions that work best have three things in common. They’re specific, they’re about one kid, and they ask for a moment rather than a summary. “What’s she like at seven?” invites a list. “What did she do this week that was completely her?” invites a story.
Five kinds of questions worth asking
The day they arrived. “What were you doing the hour before you met them?” “Which names almost made it?” These stories belong to you alone. If you don’t tell them, no one can. They work whether your kid arrived by birth or adoption, and whether that was last month or twenty years ago. See all eight.
Who they are right now. “What’s a phrase they say that’s entirely theirs?” “What are they worried about lately?” Kids change faster than anyone can keep up with. The answers feel ordinary tonight and remarkable in five years. See all eight.
Small ordinary things. “What happened in the car today?” “How do they walk into a room?” Big days get photographed. Ordinary Tuesdays don’t, and they’re most of a childhood. See all eight.
What you hope. “What do you hope they never lose?” “What did your parents give you that you want them to have?” Parents mean to say these things someday. You’re allowed to say them now. See all eight.
Stories for later. “What were you afraid of when they were small?” “What do you want to tell them on their 18th birthday?” Some answers are for when they’re older. Tell them anyway, and keep them for the right day. See all eight.
How to answer one in two minutes
- Choose one question and one kid. Not the whole family, not the whole year.
- Start with their name and the date. “It’s March 3, and Lizzie is eleven.” Whoever listens years from now will thank you.
- Tell one story. Where you were, what was said, how it felt. Leave out the summary. The details are the point.
- Stop when it ends. A couple of minutes is plenty. A short story told beats a long one planned.
Writing works if writing is how you think. Many parents find talking easier at the end of the day: no spelling, no editing, and your voice carries what the words can’t. There’s more on that in Why your kids should hear your voice.
Keeping it going, without guilt
The habit that lasts is the one that forgives. Miss a night, or a week. The next question is still there, and it doesn’t count what you missed. A few things help it stick:
- Same time, same place. After the kids are down, before your phone takes over the evening.
- Take turns. Rotate between kids so each one gets their stories, and rotate the kind of question so it never feels like homework.
- Keep the question where you’ll see it. A note on the fridge is enough.
- Go back now and then. Hearing an answer from last spring is the best reason to tell the next one.
Where to find tonight’s question
There are forty of them, all five kinds, on Questions for tonight. Pick one and answer it before bed.
If you’d rather not choose, that’s what Vocette is for. Each evening, at the time you pick, it asks you one good question about one of your kids, shaped by the day you had. You answer out loud for a couple of minutes, and a gentle follow-up can bring back the detail you almost left out. Vocette is launching on iPhone first.